Monday, July 18, 2005

Wedding B.S.

I am supposedly getting married sometime this decade, I don't know if I've mentioned that yet or not, but it's true. The initial shock has worn off - I thought I would feel tremendously grown up, but I felt tremendously grown up when we bought a house, which some people seem to think you're supposed to do BEFORE you get married, so everyone acts like we're married anyway.

The thing that is really shocking is that even though I got engaged in October, people still randomly congratulate me when they hear about it from someone else. This happens so often that when a boss walked up to me without warning last week and said "Congratulations!" because we had met a goal, for a moment I thought she meant on my engagement. It's very disorienting.

One of the things about getting married is that you are suddenly overwhelmed with a completely ludicrous number of decisions and, even worse, an insane number of questions. "What kind of dress/shoes/food/music/invitations are you going to have? What kind of ceremony? How many people?" I thought people would just pester me with "When's the date?" because that's annoying enough when you don't have one, but for some reason they still expect you to know where you're holding the damn reception! When I get these sorts of questions, I always want to say, "Lady, (guys don't really care so they don't tend to ask except to be nice, and they're pretty glad when you say 'I don't know' and they can change the subject) I'm fucking lucky I know who I'm getting married TOO let alone where the fuck it's going to be" but that's not the kind of thing to say to potential guests/gift-givers/in-laws, so instead I just grin and say "oh, I'll figure all that out some day!" Gag.

One thing I will definitely, under no circumstances, do at my wedding is toss the friggin' bouquet. I am sorry if you are a good friend of mine and are reading this post and are now incredibly disappointed. I promise I will make it up to you somehow. I just can't stand the entire process, nor do I like the idea of lining up my single friends like so much meat, nor do I like the idea of making them pretend that they are really excited about catching the bouquet because it is endowed with magical properties and somehow will help them finally, FINALLY GOD catch a man. Because that's why we're all here, right ladies? Right?

I emailed my friend Tori earlier today and told her that if I have a DJ (which, at this point, I hope I don't have to have) I will ask him to announce this in his best game-show-host voice:

"Alright, everybody! At this time, the bride would like to ask all the single (don't you hate how those assholes in their little fucking vests say sing-gell, all sleazy like?) ladies to please keep doing what ever they are doing, do not, I repeat, do not join her on the dance floor, as she will not be throwing, hurling, chucking, winging, or otherwise tossing her bouquet. She is an incredibly selfish person and wants to keep all the pretty, pretty flowers to herself. Thank you."

That's of course, if I have a DJ. Because what I really, really want is to rent a large speaker and have Ivan (youngest brother) hook up his ipod complete with a list of music pre-selected by yours truly.

Basically, I look at this whole getting married thing as a big excuse to orchestrate my own dance party.

And also I love my fiance' and stuff.

4 comments:

Bates said...

I'm glad I never asked when you and Allen were going to get married.

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