Monday, July 25, 2005

Good Eats

I think that the majority of my friends are aware of the fact that I heart Alton Brown, and that he is my kitchen guru (and yet, I still only have his first cookbook.....hint-hint, everyone) but now I have found yet another reason to adore him. He also thinks Tom Cruise is completely batshit.

I think I'll have to go home at lunch and pat my salt cellar.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Let Them Eat Whatever the Hell They Want

Cake was incredible. Please go to and purchase all of their music. Listen to it all five times in a row. Rinse. Repeat.

The concert was fab, they played stuff from Motorcade of Generosity, which made me happy, but no "Mr. Mastodon Farm", which made me sad. Such, however, is life - a series of ups and downs, punctuated by the occasional brick wall.

I would just like to send a shout out to The Sketchy Guy Who Wouldn't Leave Us Alone: Thank you for telling us we are "Smaht". I also appreciated some of the Art History discussion, and your observation that one art form can help you better appreciate other art forms was astute, if somewhat long-winded. However, once the music starts, the lips need to shut. Besides the fact that you obviously weren't getting anywhere with either one of us, you were allegedly interested in seeing this band, as you purchased a ticket. It's hard to concentrate on the music when you are busy explaining to the girls next to you that you love to people-watch the "idiot masses", but that doesn't make you an elitest. Frankly, you are lucky that the show was so very mellow. If you had been trying to yap through a more aggressive set, say, by Gwar, which I mention because you asked if we didn't think they were genuises, I would have been forced to toss your diminutive self a few rows back.

Other than that guy, the crowd was great. Everyone was thrilled to be seeing the band, since they so rarely come around. It was a surprise sell-out as well - one of the bouncers told us that before the day of show they only had 100 presales, so they all thought they could take the night off. Only 300 people were anticipated, so the band must have been shocked.

The songs from the new album, "Wheels", "No Phone" and a couple others were ok, but it was great to hear "The Distance" and "Frank Sinatra" live. Hopefully they will come back a little more often now, after the audience sang along w/every friggin' song.

Hey. That rhymed.

Anyway, we had a great time, the venue ( was slick, if extremely, mind-meltingly hot, and we had a nice position right by the bar. I would go again, in the winter.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

"Hot....Too Hot......"

Oh, my god. The air conditioner isn't working and it's one of the HOTTEST days this summer, if not the hottest. On the plus side, the system is making a sound as if it is working, but it really isn't, so it's super annoying.

I'm going to see Cake tonight, ( a band I adore but have never been able to see live. I am dragging my friend Anne with me (actually, she's happy to go, but I'm grumpy so it feels like I'm dragging people along today) and I am concerned about the heat level in the venue. Allen assumed that there would be air conditioning - I told him most likely, no, in that way that meant "Honey, we'll be lucky if we don't all asphixiate by 10:30". Oh, well.

Seriously, it is hotter than Hades in here. I can feel myself dehydrating as we speak.

It didn't help that as I pulled into the parking lot today after lunch, the damn car doors wouldn't lock. I got back in the car and realized that the parking lights and left blinker were flashing. I tried to start the car, and though the air conditioning and radio and dashlights came on, the car wouldn't start, not in park, not in neutral, nothing worked. A co-worker was trying to help by saying things like "Well, if you don't get the lights turned off the batteries going to die. Look, it's just draining. It's dying. Try starting the car again. Can you start the car?" I threw the manual at her to give her something to do while I tried not to explode due to frustration. The car is a '95 Mercury Sable that Allen's dad gave us when he bought his new car, and we've only had it for a few weeks, so I am not used to it's little "I've decided to fuck with you for no reason" quirks. I know all cars have them, I just didn't want to a.) leave my car unlocked and b.) flashing.

My co-worker decided it was the panic button, I must have hit it by accident. So I hit it to show her that, unlike the past five minutes, the panic button causes the lights to falsh and the horn to go off repeatedly. I got the horn to stop, but the lights wouldn't quit flashing, flashing, FLASHING. The next oft repeated comment was "It's because of security", and I had to explain that I didn't care, because I had now called Allen 6 times on his damn cell phone and he hadn't answered, even though I knew he wouldn't be able to help, and as I didn't want to yell at my co-worker, I needed to yell at Allen.

I slammed inside to call Allen at work, because I was too pissed to remember the goddamn number for his office. He was in a good mood, which was ridiculous, because I was hot and rippin' mad. Anyway, he didn't know what to do either, but I brought him out to the parking lot, where I solved the car problem by turning the hazards on and off a couple times, and then trying to restart the car which finally worked, and the damn blinker went off.

Anyway. The concert should be fun.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Wedding B.S.

I am supposedly getting married sometime this decade, I don't know if I've mentioned that yet or not, but it's true. The initial shock has worn off - I thought I would feel tremendously grown up, but I felt tremendously grown up when we bought a house, which some people seem to think you're supposed to do BEFORE you get married, so everyone acts like we're married anyway.

The thing that is really shocking is that even though I got engaged in October, people still randomly congratulate me when they hear about it from someone else. This happens so often that when a boss walked up to me without warning last week and said "Congratulations!" because we had met a goal, for a moment I thought she meant on my engagement. It's very disorienting.

One of the things about getting married is that you are suddenly overwhelmed with a completely ludicrous number of decisions and, even worse, an insane number of questions. "What kind of dress/shoes/food/music/invitations are you going to have? What kind of ceremony? How many people?" I thought people would just pester me with "When's the date?" because that's annoying enough when you don't have one, but for some reason they still expect you to know where you're holding the damn reception! When I get these sorts of questions, I always want to say, "Lady, (guys don't really care so they don't tend to ask except to be nice, and they're pretty glad when you say 'I don't know' and they can change the subject) I'm fucking lucky I know who I'm getting married TOO let alone where the fuck it's going to be" but that's not the kind of thing to say to potential guests/gift-givers/in-laws, so instead I just grin and say "oh, I'll figure all that out some day!" Gag.

One thing I will definitely, under no circumstances, do at my wedding is toss the friggin' bouquet. I am sorry if you are a good friend of mine and are reading this post and are now incredibly disappointed. I promise I will make it up to you somehow. I just can't stand the entire process, nor do I like the idea of lining up my single friends like so much meat, nor do I like the idea of making them pretend that they are really excited about catching the bouquet because it is endowed with magical properties and somehow will help them finally, FINALLY GOD catch a man. Because that's why we're all here, right ladies? Right?

I emailed my friend Tori earlier today and told her that if I have a DJ (which, at this point, I hope I don't have to have) I will ask him to announce this in his best game-show-host voice:

"Alright, everybody! At this time, the bride would like to ask all the single (don't you hate how those assholes in their little fucking vests say sing-gell, all sleazy like?) ladies to please keep doing what ever they are doing, do not, I repeat, do not join her on the dance floor, as she will not be throwing, hurling, chucking, winging, or otherwise tossing her bouquet. She is an incredibly selfish person and wants to keep all the pretty, pretty flowers to herself. Thank you."

That's of course, if I have a DJ. Because what I really, really want is to rent a large speaker and have Ivan (youngest brother) hook up his ipod complete with a list of music pre-selected by yours truly.

Basically, I look at this whole getting married thing as a big excuse to orchestrate my own dance party.

And also I love my fiance' and stuff.

I Am On the Cusp...

...of actually completing my first knitted garment. I am 1/16th of a sleeve and one back piece away from finishing knitting a sweater for my future niece, Noa. Pronounced Noah, without the 'h', and presumably without the ark, but then you never know, people buy their kids such weird shit. I wish I had a digital camera (just in general. I wish I had a digital camera) because I would love to take a picture of the damn thing before I give it away, seeing as it will be the first thing I have finished besides a.) a handful of scarves and b.) a sock.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

"What an Incredible Smell You've Discovered!"

Allen's mom has been out of town for a few weeks for a family reunion, so we stopped by the house to check on things, make sure the plants didn't die, etc. We were also hoping for a little alone time away from my Mom.

We got to the house and upon entering the kitchen, we immediately realized that the refrigerator should not be making the loud "GRRRRRRRRR" noise it was making. We opened the freezer (for that is where it seemed like the sound was coming from) and discovered that, not only had the freezer stopped freezing, it had ceased to be functional several days ago. If you would like to experience a Funk that is unprecedented, a Funk that would make Bootsy himself ( feel lame, and Funk to end all Funks, open up a freezer full of old food that ceased working several days ago.

Needless to say, in very short order we were completely incapacitated and unable to even complete cleaning it out. We certainly were no longer feeling like any "alone" time was a good idea (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Instead, we talked, and Allen let me know that he thinks Mom is going to be with us at least through Christmas, if not longer.

Also needless to say, after this exchange I needed to go to bed immediately.

When I woke up this morning, I stumbled into the bathroom and went to switch on a light, but instead knocked an empty Dos Equis pint glass onto the floor. I was standing in a towel, contacts not yet in, yelling at the cats because broken glass is apparently the coolest thing since catnip, when my Mom came to the rescue. She grabbed me a pair of slip-on shoes and started sweeping up the shards, which of course went EVERYWHERE. Of course I thanked her profusely, which prompted her to tell me that she didn't mind, she used to do this all the time, sometimes after doing hours of house work and making dinner for everyone, she would have to stop and clean up glass, usually right as she was about to start eating herself, which is why she never had a hot meal, because every time she wanted to eat SOMEthing would happen and she would have to take care of it because she never got any help and so this was no big deal. By this time she had unfortunately managed to sweep up most of the large pieces, so I wasn't able to slit my wrists. I had to resort to hiding in the shower instead.

I wonder if Allen will think it odd if I go to bed when I get home at six?

Friday, July 08, 2005

Candy RAGE!

It's only 11:11 in the am, and I have managed to almost eat an entire box of Good 'n' Plenty. And not a small box, either.

Not an appropriate breakfast, and now I am all sugar-buzzed. And flipping out. Why is it that when people leave you a message, they speak reaaally slooowly until they get to their phone number, and then they run it all together - or, my favorite - leave out entire numbers all together! Obviously, I am their best friend and have MEMORIZED their freaking phone number, right?

GAH. Ok. No more candy.

Hold the Mayo

My friend Tori hates white, creamy foods. It's important to know this, and take precautions if you plan on dining with her. A friend once tested her by dabbing a blob of mayonnaise on his lip and getting her attention, which resulted in her vomiting in the school cafeteria.

Over the years, I have made several misguided attempts to both understand her abhorrence and talk her out of it. I have listed several food items, trying to get her to admit that there is an exception to the rule.

"What about vanilla ice cream?" I asked, figuring that was an impossible thing to dislike.

"It's ok until it gets melty, and then I can't eat it."

She also wouldn't eat cream cheese for the longest time, which drove me CRAZY because I knew that if she simply TRIED it, she would love it, as it is the food of the Gods. Well, not really, but that's only because ambrosia was around first. If they had had a choice it would have been cream cheese. Or, at least, some kind of cheese.

But I digress! Anyway, she eventually tried and really liked strawberry cream cheese, which is not really the same thing but a step in the right direction.

I just think food phobias are really funny, I don't know why. I'm willing to try just about anything once. Well, maybe not something that is actually alive. I made steamer clams this past weekend for the 4th of July and was quite aware of the fact that they went into the pot very, very alive. But they came out dead, so that worked out ok.

Clams are not 100% quiet, that is the problem. But they were delicious.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

For Kidnappers in a Hurry....

Need to write that ransom note in yesterday? Try this nifty application from lets you write anything you want in traditional ransom note style, without destroying all your mom's Good Housekeeping magazines.

I can only imagine how many people will find this handy.

Anybody Need a Roommate??

Part of the time issue I've been having lately is that since February, there has been some member of my family living with Allen (the fee-on-sea) and I. First, my two brothers, Eric (24) and Ivan (19, soon to be 20) moved in on Super Bowl Sunday. Eric's then girlfriend, Natalie, was supposed to "visit once in a while" but ended up staying there, all day, everyday. She quit her job and sat on my couch until Eric earned enough for the two of them to move to Nantucket for the summer. So in April, off they went, leaving us with Ivan. Ivan is so non-intrusive that we actually had to seek him out when we wanted to talk to him, and life was blissful until Mother's Day.

See, my Mom and Dad split up sometime last August, and Mom had been bopping around and staying with friends but was now out of places and wanted to come stay with us "for a while". So, the weekend after Mother's Day, in moved Mom. Ivan moved out a couple weeks ago, but we still have mom and she shows NO SIGNS of leaving. She has no job, no prospects, no skills....and basically I'm just trying to hold the old relationship together, which doesn't leave me a lot of screw around on the internet time. So, folks, things are about to get a whole lot more personal around here, as I am no obsessed with the fact that I am 28 years old and supporting my mother.

On the plus side, I haven't done any laundry in months.

Sorry Blog

Ok, ok. Sorry everybody for the ridiculous absence.

I was tired.

Seriously, I had huge computer/time issues, which still aren't solved, but whatever. I will blog, blog on, blog my little heart out anyway.

Show this link to all your friends named Dave:,IL&ll=39.014329,-89.979132&spn=0.008862,0.007349&t=k&hl=en

It will make him feel important.